Weekly I/O: How to form deep connection, Region-beta Paradox, Express clearly with 3x3 rules
#61: Deep Connection, Region-beta Paradox, 3x3 Rules, Focus on Pain not Anger, Energy Audits
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Input
Here's a list of what I'm exploring and pondering on this week.
1. Deep connections between people are formed through a trifecta of ambition, vulnerability, and intense shared emotion, each representing a different aspect of time: the future, the past, and the present.
Thoughts
I've long believed that people forge deeper connections through ambition or vulnerability. However, while thinking about all my experience when attending live band performances and feeling strong connections with even strangers, I realized intense shared emotion is another catalyst for bonding.
This third element fits neatly into the framework that ambition, vulnerability, and intense shared emotion each tap into a different temporal dimension- the future, the past, or the present - to foster deep connections.
2. Region-beta Paradox: People can be better off when things are much worse. While moderate situations prompt endurance, crisis triggers action.
Article: Region-Beta Paradox: When “It’s Not That Bad” Is That Bad
When we are really unhappy with our job, we are more likely to start looking for a new job. If we are just a little unhappy, we are more likely to stay in our current job because it is comfortable and we know what to expect. However, we may end up regretting our decision to stay later. We waste years enduring the situation by not wanting to waste hours to make the move.
This is an example of the Region-beta Paradox, which originates in the paper by Daniel Gilbert et al. They consider a commuter who typically walks to destinations if it's within a mile and biking to destinations that are farther away. Because biking is faster than walking, the commuter will arrive faster at some distant locations (region beta in this diagram) than they would at closer destinations, which goes against the expectation that travel time increases with distance.
We can find this paradox in various situations, such as staying in a suboptimal romantic relationship or tolerating a mediocre health condition. We take action when things are really bad, while we endure when things are just okay. This also reminds me of the quote, "There are no two words in the English language more harmful than 'good job'." from the movie Whiplash that I noted in #7.3.
3. How to express your thoughts clearly? The 3x3 rules: make less than 3 points, explain in 3 ways, and repeat 3 times.
Article: 3 rules to express your thoughts so that everyone will understand you
Alan Alda's three rules for expressing your thoughts are a useful framework whenever we try to communicate something complicated. The three rules are: making no more than three points, explaining difficult ideas in three different ways, and repeating the key points three times.
4. Anger is a cover of pain. When people cross our boundaries, we should focus on expressing our pain instead of anger.
Anger is not a base emotion but a secondary emotion that's often triggered by pain (though some may disagree). When the pain caused by someone exceeds the maximum threshold we can endure, that pain turns into anger. Anger is, therefore, a warning sign that our boundaries have been crossed.
Instead of expressing anger, it is more effective to focus on the underlying pain and communicate how our boundaries have been violated. Expressing pain and its impact in a non-accusatory manner can lead to better results than expressing anger, which can cause people to become defensive and unresponsive.
For instance, we can say things like, "I wanted to talk to you about a boundary I have and how it was crossed. Here's how it made me feel. If you're interested, I'd appreciate it if you could do things differently in the future". When we share your pain and the boundary that got crossed, we're never accusing. We're just saying, “This is what’s going on with me”, and people are more open to hearing that.
5. To raise our energy and get more things done, do energy audits to find out what makes us energized or drained. Double down on energizing one and eliminate the draining one.
We feel like we have limited time, but what we actually have is limited energy. Increasing the number of activities that raise our energy levels can help us get more done. However, it’s hard to add energy-inducing things. Instead, it’s easier to eliminate energy-reducing activities. Therefore, we can conduct energy audits after completing every task by taking notes on whether the task left us feeling energized or drained. We can mark them as "green" if we ended the hour with more energy than we started or "red" if we didn't.
By doing this over time, we can identify trends and work towards eliminating activities that reduce our energy levels from our calendar. We can ask ourselves these three questions: "Does this task need to happen?", "Do I need to be the one to do it?", and "What can make this task energy-raising?".
Output
Here's what I've published since the last time we met.
1. Six Tiny Musings on AI
Six tiny musings and stories that provide different perspectives on the current trend of AI.
That's it. Thanks for reading. Since I always want to know more about my readers, please let me know which input you find most useful or interesting. You can take 5 seconds and reply to this email with a number!
As always, feel free to send me any interesting ideas you came across recently!
Looking forward to learning from you.
Best,
Cheng-Wei